


red in a vast sea of white

by -yangtangliu (timeisaconstruct)



Series: world is on fire [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst with a sad ending, Cutting, Dysfunctional Relationships, M/M, Mentioned One-Sided Attraction, Obsessive Behavior, Sad, Sad Ending, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, mention of Jonghyun, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:22:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25830520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/timeisaconstruct/pseuds/-yangtangliu
Summary: Jeno remembers the day like it was yesterday. He supposes most would, like thinking upon an ex-lover, but the thing was, that Jeno never even got a chance to call Jaemin someone he loves. He probably won’t anyways. That’s the thing about being so obsessive about someone, you yearn for something you’ve never had.
Relationships: Lee Jeno & Na Jaemin, Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Series: world is on fire [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1874164
Comments: 4
Kudos: 11





	red in a vast sea of white

**Author's Note:**

> please, please, go read the tags again. there is a high possibility you will get triggered if you have cut/self-harmed before or have had thoughts of self-harm.
> 
> National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

Jeno remembers the day like it was yesterday. He supposes most would, like thinking upon an ex-lover, but the thing was, that Jeno never even got a chance to call Jaemin someone he loves. He probably won’t anyways. That’s the thing about being so obsessive about someone, you yearn for something you’ve never had. He remembers it was late at night, he and Jaemin had gone out with Chenle and Jisung for some drinks, and they were a little more than tipsy. But not drunk, no, Jeno was not drunk. Jaemin maybe but he knows he couldn't have been drunk. Not for what would happen after, because he remembers it all too clearly. Renjun and Donghyuck wanted to keep on watching some show together and who were they to tell them they had to come with? So they stayed behind. It was fine.

One second he and Jaemin were getting drinks of water to sober themselves up in the kitchen, talking about how good promotions for ridin’ were and how excited they were to possibly start working on a full album. But in what seemed like a split second, Jaemin had a hand on his chin and Jeno could see how his eyes had darkened with lust, asking what should be a simple, innocent question. It wasn’t. Not for boys who were supposed to like girls. Not for idols who wanted to keep their careers it wasn’t. They assumed Chenle was washing up and Renjun and Donghyuck had gone to bed. 

**_“Can I kiss you Jeno hyung?”_ **

Maybe they hadn’t assumed. Maybe they simply didn’t care. 

It had gone on much longer than after Chenle and Renjun had both left the couch. Jeno supposes it went on after Donghyuck had come into and ran out of the kitchen after seeing the sight. Though, who could blame them in the moment. They _were_ close best friends, why should this be a surprise — what shenanigans they might get up to on their own. He remembers how the whole dorm had been awake when they did it. But that wasn’t the case, and shouldn’t have mattered anyhow. In fact — Jeno doesn’t know if Jaemin had even paid attention to the people around them. 

He had. His eyes opened ever so slightly too see Renjun’s shocked and tearful face shakily get up from the couch as he mumbled out an excuse and practically ran out the room. Jeno remembers Donghyuck’s shocked and terrified face as he almost dropped the glass of water he had come to fill for his nightly medicine and the sound of his sock clad feet as he hit the ground running. They should have respected their members wishes, they should have thought it through, they should have _talked._ But they didn’t. 

During the moment Jeno felt selfish, and guilty — but he didn’t care. He kept on going, kept on kissing, kept on chasing the feeling while his relationship with his members for the next few months was crumbling around himself. He even remembers how neither of them would talk to them after it happened. Jeno tried to pretend it never happened and tried to blame himself for being too drunk and inable of his decisions but Jeno knows that isn’t true. He knows that even if he tries the memory will stay burning in his mind. 

But the worst part is, really, the morning after. The worst part of the memory is the morning after because of Jaemin. The way Jaemin had laughed him off—no _laughed in his face_ —when he told him of the night before. Of how he’d never date Jeno even if everyone was dead, of how he knew it was just his mind playing tricks on him. But it felt _so real_. He knows it wasn’t a fluke. He was just drunk, it didn’t really happen, they had _careers,_ let's just forget about it! He knows it happened, Jeno isn’t blind, and he knows what he said, he knows what _Jaemin_ said, and he knows drunk words are sober thoughts. Jeno knows that Jaemin is lying to himself too much. He just knows, and it doesn’t make him feel any better.

——

“Jeno? Jeno-hyung?” 

“I’ll be put in a sec, j-just like a few minutes.” Jeno internally paincks, immediately being snapped out of his state of depression and wanting to hurry. He can’t let Jaemin know.

He looks at the blade, deathly close to his neck as he lays in the bathtub. He sets it down, on the edge of the tub, before scrambling out and wrapping a towel around his waist. He opens the door to the bathroom closet, safely putting it inside, and hidden but in place so he knows where it is. Jeno knows it’s wrong, but _would everyone even care that much as it had been for Jonghyun?_ He shakes his head, he shouldn’t think like that. Jonghyun was very respected in the K-Pop community, with millions of fans. JKeno doesn’t compare, since shawols still grieve.

“What are you doing?” Jeno jumps, slamming the bathroom closet to avoid being caught and looking at Jaemin who stands in the middle of the bathroom, he bets he looks like a deer caught in the headlights judging from Jaemin’s expression. 

“Shaving, I-i was shaving…”

“Oh,” Embarrassment floods his face. “Were you done when I pounded on the door, I can leave if you–”

“Nah it’s fine, I’ll finish tomorrow. You can take a shower.” Jeno subconsciously rubs the non-existent stubble on his chin as he steps around Jaemin, exiting the bathroom, and slowly walking down the hallway. He shakes his wet hair and peeks in Renjun’s room. He’s sitting on his top bunk, legs crossed, video chatting with someone on his phone. Jeno silently ducks out, when he continues talking to whoever’s on the phone in mandrin. He even laughs. It’s been a while since he heard that. 

Once outside, he could hear the water from the bathroom getting turned on—must be Jaemin. His head softly thuds against the wall. He looks up at the ceiling plaster as the realization finally sets in. He almost killed himself, he almost ended his life. If it weren’t for Jaemin interfering, he might not be alive right now. Jeno looks down when he feels the tears prickling at his eyes, he pushes himself off the wall and continues to trek back to his room. Jisung sits on the couch, intently watching some drama and he continues quietly on his way behind him. 

——

Some days, when Jeno watches the red blood run on his milky white muscled thighs from the top where the wound is to the bottom—and stain his skin in a beautifully sick way. Some days, when the red runs off into the pristine clear whire soapy bubble bath water and he watches the trickle of red in a clear ocean, he wonders if the reason he does this is Jaemin. Because the thoughts that run around in his head are unmistakably in Jaemin’s voice. The part of him that convinces himself to do this—to harm himself—started that day with Jaemin. 

Maybe he is weak, for giving in so easily, for breaking his promise so easily, for continuing the practice that only gets him hurt and will someday get him killed. But will it, though? Jeno is too much of a wimp to commit suicidie is what he tells himself when he cries himself to sleep or sobs in the shower. But then the counteracting thought of how no one would care even if he did comes back and he only cries harder. 

Jaemin had told him not to cut, but old habits die hard Jeno supposes. Except the death of this habit might include one Lee Jeno as well. Somehow, the scariness and satisfaction of knowing he could end his own life is what keeps him going. Living on the edge between life and death, surviving on the cusp of existence. It’s a bit masochistic, but it’s also the thing that runs around in his brain and makes him think things that make him feel like shit. With a new comeback, everyone is busy and Jaemin stops checking. In some twisted way Jeno is glad. Glad he can live in the cusp of life or death or glad he can still hurt himself he’s not sure. 

But the remorse is still there. The first time he almost wakes Jaemin up but he tells himself Jaemin doesn’t actually care and things end. Alas, Jeno is only human, so the remorse and guilt still weigh him down but a little less now that Mark is around. But with their precious leader back some things change. For better or worse Jeno doesn't know. 

About a week after he’s back the group is preparing to go in early to the studio but Jeno is running behind. Yesterday was a rough night, and today was a rough morning for him. Jeno finds himself wordlessly holding a pair of pants as he stares at the fresh wounds on his thighs, wishing he could just die right there as tears flow down his cheeks. He feels so dumb, worthless, and weak. 

“Jeno?” a voice calls from the doorway, and as the spoken tok male looks up and lets out a sniff, Mark comes closer and into view. “Jeno-yah.”

He doesn’t say anything, and only watches as Mark comes closer and takes a look at his face. He only looks away, knowing he can’t face him. He feels so bad, worthless and _weak._ Mark’s eyes travel downwards to his hands in his lap and he gently lifts them away to take a look. Jeno pretends he doesn’t notice his hitch in breath when he sees them many layered scars or how his eyes look up into Jeno’ unwilling ones. 

“Oh, Jeno-yah.”

Jeno can’t speak, and the tears keep on coming, so Mark sits next to him and pulls him into his lap, letting him fall limp into his arms. He starts sniffing a little more, before Heno is sobbing into his shoulder as Mark rocks him slowly from side to side and rubs his back. Part of him wants to speak, talk, apologize, but even he knows that there’s nothing he can say. Instead, he lets Mark rock him back and forth, and let's Mark text the managers saying he’s ill and let’s Mark take care of him. 

It feels so good when Mark lays him down in bed and turns off the lights before coming back to the bed and snuggling under the covers with him to make him feel better. Jeno, eventually stops crying and falls asleep in Mark’s embrace, feeling worse and at the same time feeling much better. He doesn’t know what this means but he sure as hell wants it to mean something important. 

——

Jeno is hospitalized several days later. He’s supposed to come out of hospital treatment and care in a week or so, so he can still participate in the comeback but he won’t be able to participate in writing lyrics and thinking up comeback concepts. The dorm is much quieter without a smiley happy Jeno around. 

“Don’t blame yourself Mark-yah.” Renjun says after Jeno has left with a manager for his stay. “He didn’t want anyone to know. It was a surprise for everyone.”

“I just–I wish I had been here for him.” 

Renjun looks down from the top bunk of the bunk and sees that Mark is sitting in the bottom bunk with his head in his hands. He looks so _so_ tired. He looks so very stressed. Mental health at SM Entertainment had started being taken more and more seriously ever since the death of Jonghyun in 2018 and later both Goo Hara and her best friend Suli last year. 

“You were. He chose not to talk to anyone. Jaemin said he started in november.” Renjun tries to console. 

“When I was on tour with SuperM.” He cries, burying his head further in his arms from his position laying down on his bed. 

But there’s nothing he can do for Mark. With managing being in four groups at once he doesn’t know what it’s like for Mark. And with the fact that anyone who he’d want to talk too wouldn’t understand or has the same workload must hurt him. If Renjun could help him he could but for now all he can do is be there for him. And so he crawls across the length of his bed and down the bunk bed to comfort him. He lits Mark’s blanket up and lays down next to him to help him fall asleep—because this is what friends do when they help the others in need. 

“Thank you Renjun-hyung.”

“It’s what friends do.”

——

Jaemin finally musters up the courage to go and talk to Jeno three days after his hospital stay has started. He figures that by then his parents are done visiting and he can come and visit. Renjun smiles when he nervously tells the rest of the group why he has to leave their planning session early. Mark hands over a ten dollar bill to buy him something and Jaemin accepts it gratefully. 

At the flower shop, he has to google which flower means friendship, but before he can the lady points out the meanings of each flower and Jaemin gets a bouquet of Alstroemeria for friendship, and Red Roses for apology—and love. 

Jaemin, wasn’t that drunk. If there were lightweights in their group it’d be Jisung and Renjun. But he had been drinking since he was fourteen, drinking alcohol the older rookies would bring in when management wasn’t looking. They favoured Jaemin, because he looked good and didn’t tattle tale. And in return they shared the goods. 

He still doesn’t know why he did it. Why he lied, and said those things to Jeno’s face. Maybe he was hungover or still drunk but that doesn’t excuse him for saying those things. He even felt bad afterwards, but it seemed to have taken self harm on Jeno’s part to allude this rude awakening in himself. Or Renjun. 

The ride on the train to the hospital is moderately quiet, save for a few girls who approach him for a selfie. After that he pulls up his hood and takes off the mask around his face and puts up a black handkerchief he can tuck into the collar neckline of the hoodie. When the bus stops at the hospital Jaemin takes a deep breath before stepping off and looking around. The people rush around him as he stands in the middle of the walkway, holding his pathetic bundle of pretty weeds hoping for redemption. But he doesn't let it get to him, pushing the thought aside as he rips down his hoodie and disregards the handkerchief, stalking into the hospital and towards the front desk. 

“Hello, My name is Na Jaemin and I’m nineteen years old. I’m here to see my bandmate and best friend, Lee Jeno.”

“C-can I see you id Mr. Na?” Jaemin quirks an eyebrow and flashes a frown. “It is customary, e-even if I know your birthday by heart I still gave to ask.”

Inwardly, Jaemin groans, but sifts through his pants pocket to begrudgingly present his id. She nods, rather quickly, and repers the room number that’s been jumping around Jaemin’s head for well over twenty four hours. He nods and takes the visitor pass sticker she presents, placing it strategically in his chest. 

“Thank you so much for your help noona.” And Jaemin flashes her a killer smile as he watches her ears turn red because of his statement and his actions. “Have a nice day and try to stay safe during this unsure time.” And he was off down the hallways, façade off, stalking towards the metal hallways at the end.

_‘You can do this Jaemin. You can do this.’_

The elevator ride is painfully awkward between the nurse who seems to recognize him and Jaemin who is trying not to doubt himself too much. He’s at fault, and he needs to admit to mistakes he had wished he’d seen weeks, probably months earlier. Jaemin isn’t good with words—that would definitely be Renjun’s forte. He isn’t even good at expressing his emotions correctly—or keeping them disclosed—definitely Jeno’s suit. But he’ll make an effort for Jeno. His best friend. 

There is a sign on the wall that explains that whoever enters any of the rooms in this ward must not bring any sharp objects inside and the patient uses it to hurt themselves. Jaemin doesn't double check that morning—but even if he did some part if he knows Jeno wouldn’t try anything with him. The door to Jeno’s room is grey. Not grey like the black and white NCT DREAM teasers for boom. Or grey like the cute aesthetic picture Jisung has set for his phone background but a dark, ugly, puke in black and white colour. He detestes it. Alas, Jaemin knocks twice. 

“You can come in.” Jeno’s soft voice says. It’s only been a few days but Jaemin nearly cries. He misses him. Taking a deep breath, Jaemin sets his hand on the handle before he turns it and softly closes it behind him. He keeps his eyes on the door before he dares to look at Jeno. Jeno who has eyebags and dark circles under his beautiful eyes. Jeno, who doesn’t have any flowers in the empty glass vase except for wilted roses swimming in warm water. Jeno, who is propped up by a pillow, looking like he feels more asleep than awake but has a mind that won’t stop running. There are barely items in the room, let alone anything Jeno could further hurt himself.

Jaemin sets his bag on the chair near Jeno’s bed and it lands with a soft plunk. He is still clutching the flowers when he picks up the vase with his other hand and dumps them in the trash can. He holds the vase upside down till every drop has fallen in the trash and then takes it and the flowers to the other side of the room where a sink resides. Jaemin washes out the dirty water and fills it with clean, clear water before pouring in the white flower growth powder. Finally, he sets the new bundle inside and takes it back to the same counter, in the first place. Jeno’s eyes have watched him the entire time and don’t leave when he sets his bag on the floor and scoots his chair closer towards him and watches the way the flowers look with the sunshine shining through the clouds on them. Jeno takes the first word. 

“What do the flowers mean?”

“Alstroemeria are the yellow flowers for friendship, and the Red Roses for apology—and love.” Jaemin says quietly. Jeno looks up at him curiously but Jaemin doesn’t look away and he isn’t finished with his statement. “I lied.”

“I lied about forgetting. I lied about saying I was too drunk. And lastly,” He takes a breath, as he collects his thoughts and forms his thoughts. He hears Jeno’s breath hitch as his gaze drifts to Jeno’s hands lying on the white of the hospital blanket. “I lied about saying I didn’t want you.”

As much as it hurts him, Jaemin tries to raise his head and he lets the words spill out of his mouth honestly rather than carefully and controlledly. “I do want you. I want to be around you, I would want you regardless of the circumstances, and I think it took me a few months to realize that. I want to make sure your safe, that your happy, I want to be around you and fuck- I don’t deserve it- but I want to kiss you a-and love you and I know it’s not fair and I don’t deserve it but fuck Jen-”

“Jaemin-ah.” The call looks at him through teary, snotty eyes and feels tears roll down his face when Jeno smiles, his pretty, famous, eye smile. “It’s okay, I forgive you.”

Jeno reaches out to take one if Jaemin’s hands before he intertwined their fingers. “I don’t think I can take you, no matter how much I want too because you hurt me alot. You made me want to hurt myself, and everytime I smiled, you made me want to cry. I love you Jaemin-ah but that’s something I shouldn’t do. I- we both need to get over each other, not for our careers, but because this is a bad relationship. Because I know at the time you probably brushed it off like it was nothing-”

“I didn’t!” Jaemin says with a wretched cry and throws himself down on Jeno but he simply looks away. 

“I know when you’re lying Jaemin-ah. This is toxic. It was toxic for me loving you and it was toxic for you to love me. We need to end what we never had in the first place.”

Jaemin cries. Jeno doesn’t. For now, it’s the end.

**Author's Note:**

> I just wanna clarify that while I've never cut before, but I've been very close to self-harm on a lot of occasions. This is a bit of a oneshot from a while ago when I felt like I wanted to cut but knew I shouldn't. I ended up finding a plot in my mess of self anguish as I was editing so here you go.
> 
> [ curious cat ](https://curiouscat.me/litteralydonghyuck)  
> [twitter ](https://twitter.com/pR38RElQQxK1iiu)  
> 


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